Our Difference Is Not the Problem
Nor is our Sameness
I want to talk about sameness and difference and how they give life to our conversations and our world. And I want to share some ideas about how you can play with the dynamic tension between sameness and difference to improve relationships, conversations and make better decisions.
One hears a lot about diversity and its importance. There are an infinite variety of ways that humans manifest themselves in this world, and that’s truly awesome. It is vital to have diverse perspectives in any conversation or decision-making process. When looking at any issue, diverse viewpoints and lived experiences will help everyone develop a more precise and inclusive understanding of the situation.
A diversity of perspectives gives us more information and forces us to be more creative because it challenges us. There’s no singular right way, rather lots of ‘right’ ways coming from different perspectives. It’s also important to include diverse voices because it ensures that a decision considers everyone impacted and invites full participation in bringing the decision to reality. The 2nd Rule of Conflict Transformation says, “Whoever is involved in the problem must be involved in the solution.” Otherwise, it won’t work, either due to apathy or resistance—excluded people who don’t just go away.
And diversity is hard. It’s tough to converse with someone when there’s a difference in perspectives, ideas, and values. Even though there are always others to consider, I may want to stick to my way of doing things. It’s hard-earned. Yet, thinking ‘my way versus the other way’ can lead straight to the feeling of ‘us versus them’ and ‘good versus bad.’ That’s the heart of polarization and division, and it is still true that you cannot have diversity without conflict. Having different perspectives is an essential part of disagreement. In the end, though, we must interact with other viewpoints.
It is up to each of us whether we make disagreements into a positive learning experience or a negative one that pushes us apart. The trick is finding a balance between sameness and difference.
Living with Sameness & Difference
When talking to someone, pay attention to what it means to feel sameness and what it means to feel difference. They both have roles to play, and both have their risks.
Sameness is awesome. It’s great when we agree with each other. It’s fun to feel connection and rapport. I love the experience of getting to know a new person and realizing that we’re into the same food or music. I profoundly enjoy getting into deep conversations with colleagues and friends about the passions we share. It also feels good to connect with someone about something that affects us both. That sense of bond and belonging is at the core of sameness. It holds us together in relationship, and it makes us want to come back for more. There’s a calmness we feel when we know we are on the same page. We can relax.
Nonetheless, too much sameness can become stifling. Things might get dull or sluggish, and energy can drain out of the relationship. If we agree on everything, it leaves us little to talk about, and if there is pressure to agree on everything, it will suppress authentic expression. This brings us to the vital relationship between sameness and difference. They each solve the problem that the other creates.
Having different ideas, disagreement, and contrast is energizing. Excitement can arise when we have differences because it creates dynamic tension. Difference and conflict is part of what makes a great story. Things are normal, but then something changes, and this builds tension in the narrative. It creates an opportunity for change, learning and growth.
However, like sameness, difference can go too far. When disagreement leads someone to stray away from connection, it becomes a threat. It feels dangerous. At that point, diversity of perspectives is no longer energizing and causes us to shut down. When that happens, it is time to validate our sameness. Connecting on points of agreement can bring restoration or calm back into the system, making it possible to consider the differences again.
Like the inhale and exhale of breathing, a great conversation or deliberation finds a rhythmic oscillation between exploring agreement and disagreement.
Putting it into practice
I encourage you to observe how the iterative dance of sameness and difference play out in the conversations you have. Think about a conversation you had recently and consider the moments of sameness and difference. How did it feel? In the next conversation you have, try to notice how it feels when you’re agreeing and when you’re not. What happens? How does it feel?
It can be interesting to intentionally and explicitly practice this with someone (e.g. a friend, a family member, someone you’re close to, a colleague, etc.) Discuss something you both have an opinion on. Start with something easy like a song or TV show. As you talk, work on agreeing about as much as you can, then switch to disagreeing with each other. Switch back and forth. Finish by connecting in conversation about the experience.
You can also notice and speak up about how sameness and difference show up in a conversation with someone, even when you weren’t planning to. If the conversation feels too intense, you might say something like, “Hey, we’re disagreeing a lot right now, so I want us to remember that we agree about X, Y and Z” (or at least “…we both agree on the importance of this topic.”)
Conversely, if the conversation goes flat, you could say, “Hey, it sounds like we are agreeing about everything right now. I wonder if we can find something different in our perspectives or something that we can learn from each other.”
When differences overwhelm a conversation, I usually shift my attention towards listening to and understanding the other person. A great way to re-establish a sense of connection and sameness is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings. You can always use reflective listening, which is a valuable way of showing that you understand their perspective. Effective listening1 creates connection without a need to agree with the other. Simply connecting as humans striving to be understood and affirming your mutual dignity will help you find those points of connection so you can move back to the difference and diversity that inspires more creativity. Truly understanding another’s perspective can help you grow and clarify your perspective, but it also makes the other person much more open to hearing what you have to say.
Balancing Sameness and Difference to Heal the Divide
We’re in a world that’s siloing out into different cultures or political groups. Media, internet algorithms, our leaders and our geography are amplifying this. The easiest way to prevent conflict is to avoid difference, but future generations need us to remember our sameness and collaborate across our differences. Somehow we need to understand that we are all in this together. We all win, or we all lose.
To pierce through the silos, it’s worth paying attention to how you prioritize sameness with certain people and only focus on difference for others. What would it be like to highlight sameness with the people you see as fundamentally different? Similarly, what would it be like to bring some of that dynamic energy of difference into the places where you tend to emphasize sameness? Instead of staying in the comfort of sameness or stress of difference for days/weeks/months at a time, what would it look like to move back and forth between the two more frequently? What would it take for you to fully understand a perspective that you disagree with?2
I love to say, “We all have a role to play in the whole” and “Our differences do not have to divide us.” These are not just clever catchphrases. They are a way of life.
As far as I can tell, living into the implications of our inherent mutuality is essential to our very survival. So go out there and celebrate both our sameness and our differences.
I owe deep gratitude and credit to a teacher of mine, Diane Musho Hamilton. Along with Kim Myosai Loh and Gabriel Menegale Wilson, she wrote a book called Compassionate Conversations. That is where I was first introduced to this way of thinking about sameness and difference.
Here’s a video version of more or less the same essay.
I am Duncan Autrey, a conflict transformation facilitator and educator.
For more information on my work, conflict transformation, my new podcast and discussions about thought-provoking topics:
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I’ve assembled some resources on Effective Listening Skills. Read about it here, or watch a video.
Ryan Nakade has an amazing way of thinking and talking about the importance of really understanding others’ ideologies. Check out his essay “Upgrade the Argument: From the Steel Man to the Titanium Man” or his podcast Meta-Ideological Politics.
Wisdom well said Autrey.