Humanizing the Enemy
You didn't hear this from me, but...
If it seems like everything is easy in your life, look deeper at yourself and the world. Not everyone is dealt the same hand.
This essay continues the personal development theme from last time. Today, we’ll explore how we view the world and other people. Another important form of personal work is developing an understanding and awareness of different views, cultures, and experiences.
Culture is a magnet, and like attracts like. That means it can be tricky for us to see other perspectives. Often, we imagine our experiences are standard for everyone. They’re not. The world is a complex, varied place, and we need to understand it and each other far better to create an omni-win society.
How can we understand other perspectives?
When you’re observing someone, and you’re like, “What are they thinking?! Why would you act that way?” that’s an opportunity for you to learn something new. Perhaps you’re watching a protest and can’t imagine what would drive people to that point. Start researching. Dig into the why. Most of the time, plenty of people are willing to tell you.
Break out of your bubble. A great way to do this is by reading different news sources and exposing yourself to other ways of thinking. You can take classes on topics that you never really thought about. Go check out a book about whatever’s going on. There are resources everywhere to open your eyes.
It can be fascinating to notice when you’re thinking, “Who are those people? I don’t know if I understand them. I don’t like or trust those people. I don’t want them to be a part of my community at all.” The media loves pitting us against each other and spurring our us-and-them mindset. How many of these thoughts are actually yours? How many have been passed down to you by generations before? It’s good to question things.
Importantly, how do you counter those feelings?
Go meet those people.
Learn about them and their culture.
Find out what it is that they value.
What do they believe? What do they desire?
Invite them out for coffee and spend real time together. While you can peek into other ways of being, that’s not enough. Genuinely learning about them and understanding the profound, underlying dignity of the other person is vital. It humanizes them in a world where we regularly dehumanize people as “other.”
Deep listening is the trick
One of the best ways to do that is by doing some serious deep listening. Daniel Schmachtenberger has what he calls “Rule Omega.”
Here’s a clip about the rule, and here’s the transcript:
“If you say something that sounds ridiculous to me or batshit crazy or wrong, I actually give the benefit of the doubt that you might have a reason that I didn’t understand first. So rather than just default to “you’re probably wrong,” I’ll ask more questions. And that, giving the benefit of the doubt that you actually might have something useful to say, increases my making sure that I understand you before I’m responding. And the disagreeing with something that you weren’t even saying ’cause I didn’t seek to understand well enough creates very turbulent flow rather than laminar flow and breaks down coherence.”
(If you want more, check out the full Rule Omega video.)
That’s a great insight from Daniel Schmachtenberger, and it’s crucial. If all of us were doing this, it could really transform our culture.
It’s something I do in my own life. If I’m feeling confused, emotional, or activated about what someone is saying, or I see the other person getting emotional and activated, I start asking more questions. It’s the best response.
Try to understand what they’re saying and recognize that emotional experience. Repeat what you and the other person are saying and try to figure out what it is until you both agree that you understand it. Once you comprehend what’s going on, you can respond to the world around you much more effectively.
I wrote a guide on effective communication, which you can check out here.
These experiences can challenge our understanding of reality, which is how we grow.
The benefit of new experiences
There are many different ways to broaden your horizons. A fun one is learning something new. Break out of your routine and take a course or class at your local college. Alternatively, maybe there’s a skill you want to learn. Always wanted to play an instrument or learn another language? Go for it!
You can also join groups and discover something you know nothing about. Learning about an entirely new thing could be fun and interesting. It’s great to open our minds. Exposing ourselves to other people and experiences can be transformational.
Another quick trick to developing yourself is sharing your inner reality and thoughts with others. I’m not talking about a casual chat with someone, but opening up to someone you trust and asking them to listen to you. Then you can dive into your painful, uncomfortable, and confusing thoughts and feelings. You might be afraid of their response, but engaging in dialogue with others is how we better understand our experiences.
You could do this in therapy, a support group, or just with your loved ones. Share what’s going on in your mind and see what happens. It’s a fantastic way to deepen your relationships and your understanding of yourself.
What is a self-transcendent experience?
When people become truly self-authoring and self-transformational, they can hold massive amounts of complexity. To get there, most of them have had a self-transcendent experience.
It’s where you break out of your day-to-day concerns, so your identity disappears for a while. You connect with something bigger than you. This sometimes happens to soldiers or people who face a life-threatening experience. In the moment, when they’re not sure if they’re going to survive or not, they click into another way of being. (I don’t recommend trying to find a life-threatening experience, though.)
So, what are some easier experiences to try? Try meditation: Simply let your regular thoughts disappear for a while. Another is to try a creative project. When we’re doing something creative, we’re engaging in something that doesn’t exist yet. We’re creating space for something new and possible.
If you don’t think you’re creative or artistic, I highly recommend The Artist’s Way. It’s a book with a 12-week process and invites you to do various activities, like journaling and trying new things on your own. These experiences and the whole process are transformational.
Plus, journaling can be really useful. Getting the thoughts out of your head creates space for growth.
Now, you didn’t hear this from me, but psychedelics are another popular experience. People who have had psychedelic experiences tend to develop a capacity to connect with something bigger. They can hold greater complexity and different perspectives.
An important part is making sure you have the right attitude and a safe setting. You can even work with people who do this professionally.
If you’re wondering if this makes any sense, I highly recommend you check out Michael Pollan’s book, How to Change Your Mind.
If you want something a little more garden variety, spending time in nature alone is an awesome way to have a self-transcendent experience. Go camping for a couple of days by yourself.
Part of the secret of being in nature is not bringing your phone and unplugging yourself from society. Allow yourself to get bored for a while. Maybe it’ll feel uncomfortable, but that can create tons of space for growth.
It’s your choice
While all this stuff is great, you don’t have to do any of this if you’re not interested. This is your choice.
You don’t need to develop or grow for anyone else. If you like yourself and your life right now and don’t want to change, that’s awesome.
Another reason why you don’t need to do this is that these processes, structures, and frameworks are powerful. They can hold people at all stages of development.
So wherever you are, stay where you are until it’s not working for you. Then remember that you’re welcome to grow. This process is a lifelong journey.
There is so much more for us to learn. The more you know, the more you realize that you don’t know everything. That can be stimulating, and it gets less scary as you go along. You did discover a whole bunch of amazing things to grow into.
As far as I can tell, there’s no end to this process. You can keep on developing and becoming a more amazing version of yourself that’s more adaptable to the world around you.
Imagine having a greater sense of who you are forever. That’s pretty awesome. If you end up trying any of these processes or approaches, I would love to hear what happens or your thoughts.
Next time, we’ll talk about developing our thinking and sensemaking skills.
Fortunately, a lot of the sensemaking work is knowing yourself before we do it, and we’ve covered some of that. So we’re going to talk about how to understand the world and process all the crazy information that’s happening more effectively.
Don’t miss it. Thank you for being on this journey with me.
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